I heard that if you stop caring, all that you’ve wanted will come naturally. Yet in the same token I’ve heard the opposite. I’m naturally inclined to fight for what I want but lately I’ve been realizing that in some ways my fighting has been in vain.

It makes me feel horrible and inadequate. Sometimes I tell myself that I don’t have a problem and that it’s you, but I obviously do and it’s an issue that I can’t seem to control. It’s just that I’m still in love with you and I’m afraid that emotionally you’ll slip away if I don’t say something but I also feel that if I say something, I could end up pushing you away… So what do I do? I want you, and I’m thankful for what I have but I want you fully.

You mean so much too me. I feel so pathetic and in a way I’m a masochist. My best bet is to just let things slide, let nature run it’s course but why am I so afraid that you won’t be there? I know that you love me now, but will you love me always?

I’d kill to be with you once again. 
To feel your flesh on my flesh.
To wrap my lips around your curved, perfect, supple mouth.
To make you tremble under me and hear those sweet tiny whimpers that just beg to escape.
I want to make you lose your breath.
I want to feel your heartbeat as I lay on your warm chest as I trail my fingers down to the curve of your thighs… feeling your soft skin as I move closer in between your legs.
I want your body to invite me in.
I want you to entice me.

You’re all and everything that I’ve ever wanted.
I’d kill to have you.
I want every single part of you.
I want to possess you.  

I love you.
and I need you. 
And lately it seems that I need you more than I need myself.  

I just want to be your first, your only, your everything. 

I feel really guilty.

Because there are times where I question are friendship and I don’t want to do that. I feel guilty because I’ve let my emotions get the best of me. Because I get angry that you don’t want to be with me romantically. I feel guilty when I constantly want something more from you when I should be happy that you’re my friend again. Why is it that we as humans are never satisfied? I feel beyond guilty for talking about you when all you have are positive intentions. I feel like I can’t accept you because most of the time I don’t fully understand you. You’re so unpredictable… 

Once there was a girl who craved freedom and independence but was so afraid to be alone. She placed her value on others, even when she warned her loved ones to never do that. She found it difficult to find herself, especially after giving her heart away to someone that didn’t love her the same. Once there was a girl who would hide and cry herself to sleep every night, despite her efforts of try to feel better.  The silence of the night always caused her to break down. Her thoughts were so loud that not even the loudest music could drown them out.

Once there was a girl who would never hurt anyone even if she wanted too. She was so fragile but no one saw it because she hid it well behind her facade. That facade was full of strength, full of wonder and excitement but that’s not who she truly was inside. She was alone and deathly afraid. Afraid of never filling the whole in her chest, that hole that craved love and attention more than anything else. She wanted love and she was envious but more importantly she was disillusioned. Her whole existence seemed like a lie. Who was she? 

This girl is me and right now it feels like she can’t stand a chance. 

I feel like I’m going to erupt. 
I feel like someone is suffocating me and even through my tears they won’t let me breathe. I feel like someone cold and evil is choking me, someone that doesn’t care. I’ve never felt so empty and I feel so hopeless. Why do I allow you to get me like this? Why can’t I sway my thoughts and make them into positive ones? Why do I always think the worse? I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t. I don’t want to lie anymore.